Conflicting states

Added 1682674025 by Tamsin Ashton.

Emotional states project part 4: Conflicting states

How could I laugh when I was nervous?

How could I smile when I felt threatened?

Maybe it is the urge to avoid confrontation, trying to de-escalate by smiling. Maybe it is the years of not being able to show weakness. Maybe it's the times I had to laugh off insults, to show how things weren't going to get to me. But sometimes they got to me. I still put on a brave face. Maybe it's from trying to deal with things with a kind of gallows humour. Maybe it is the tension in my face making me grin. Maybe I just don't know how to feel anymore. From the depths of my depression I giggle at my predicament. The nervous energy rising in me with the fear of laughing inappropriately. Sometimes I laugh when I want to laugh. Sometimes I laugh when I want to cry. I can snap suddenly from one to the other. Sometimes I can do both at once.