I was born at a very young age and it didn't take long for my parents to tire of me and abandon me. Thankfully, it was a mild winter and I didn't catch my death. I was raised by wolves/a stray Alsatian in the forest/local park where I was always on guard for huntsmen/Park Keeper trying to stop me killing his sheep/squirrels and pets corner creatures. My adopted mother had a keen interest in the arts, especially photography, but being a wolf/dog lacked the opposable thumbs required to hold a camera or change lenses. Papa Wolf/Mr Alsatian found me a camera in a hedge and between them they taught me the art of picture taking. At that time, I would shoot trees and buildings, scurrying through the undergrowth to get the best angle. I didn't shoot girls as living naked in a park with no means of showering meant I had a pungent stench. With hindsight, I could have used the sprinklers in the rose gardens. I just didn't think.

When I became a man, my Canine parents pushed me into the big wide world. No longer was I to be known as Woofy Yap Yap, but a new, human name, "Nick Webster" was assigned to me. I worked hard honing my craft and stopped howling at the moon and with my new level of hygiene was able to get close to girls and I would ask them if I could take their picture. Finally, photography was my job. It started earning me a crust. I even had a website. The meany-pants at PurplePort won't let me link to it, but if you type my name (the bit in bold) and a dot com after it, I magically appear. Like, er, magic. I still sometimes fall into the bad habits of my youth. I try not to mark my territory these days and if I have an accident in the corner of the studio I expect to be shouted-at and threatened to have my nose rubbed in it. I also shed hair a lot.

Once I took a picture deemed so fabulous this image was made illegal by a secret Government Agency and I was promptly arrested and imprisoned -without trial- in a high security prison. I escaped whilst the guards were watching Pointless and I was forced into hiding upon my escape. It is why I often look shifty and am constantly looking over my shoulder,and checking under tables for listening devices. High-strength tranquillisers help me with my paranoia about recapture, but sometimes it does make my focusing go a bit squiffy.

I will occasionally consider unpaid work and do occasionally test, but please note, this will be done on my terms. Please note that I am not willing to release any images I do not consider finished and generally each image has between three and eight hours of editing before I am happy with it. With this in mind, I am not likely to have your pictures within hours or even days of a test or unpaid shoot. Good things come to those who wait. Also, unless it has been agreed before the shoot, I am not willing to pay travel expenses. Paid work comes first, so this puts free work at the bottom of the pile in terms of priority and please don't ask for a million pictures, as you won't be getting that many. You also won't be getting unedited pictures.

I am not a sex-pest, rapist or murderer any more than you are. Unless you are a perv, rapist or murderer, then you are probably a bit more pervy, rapey and murdery than me.

If you want my to shoot you, communicate with me using morse code tapped-out on an empty biscuit tin with a ballpoint pen outside my window. I also understand the clicking language of the dolphin. Or get in touch with an expressive dance. Or a request on the radio, but not Steve Wright's Sunday Love Songs because that turgid bumhole of a DJ makes me come out in a rash. Or send me a message.

I ALSO SHOOT VIDEO

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